Sleeping with a rabid bear...

A picture of me working out last night

So last night I went to work out with a friend after work. We talked about how we got out of shape in our post-college years and how fit and ripped we used to be, and it really got me thinking that Kristi might someday leave me. It's not like I'm anticipating it, but when you gain 50 pounds in a single year you have to wonder what your significant other has to be thinking. Personally, I think it could be her sometimes casually lethargic attitude that attributed to it, along with sitting on my ass in an office all day, along with not working out, and along with eating like Homer Simpson at a chinese buffet. I've really gotten to the point where I think I need to shape up, not just for my body's sake but for the sake of my relationship.

So I joined the gym last night and worked my fat ass to death doing cardio. I drank plenty of water and didn't eat any junk food after. Last night at the poker tournament I was playing in I kept my limit at 2 beers, when usually I end up having about 9. I was doing so incredibly well for my first day back on track. I called Kristi on the way home to tell her the great day i had, but she didn't pick up and I assumed she had gone to bed. I was right.

So I pulled into the car garage around 10:45pm and snuck over to the bedroom. I was expecting my snuggly, charming and beautiful girlfriend to be awaiting me in bed, ready to get close and dream the night away. Instead, when I touched her ever-so-gently on the shoulder she rolled over, in the dark, with an expression similar to this:

That's right..... I was in bed with Large Marge. Or a rabid bear. I couldn't really tell because my eyes were immediately scratched out and by balls were cut off. Well, they might as well have been.

My girlfriend had turned into what I will henceforth refer to as the girlfiend, a creature of mythical proportions that inhabits the souls of unsuspecting young women and causes them to transform their usually pleasant personalities into that of a hungry, angry baby wilderbeast. No one knows the origin of the girlfiend, just that they are extremely dangerous and not well suited to a traditional bedtime environment. I tried to ward off the fiend with a backrub, which sometimes coerces the demon spirit to dissapate, but instead the demon held on strong, and through my vessel of a girlfriend it spoke the words "Walk the fucking dog."

Luckily I was able to escape, and by the time I got back the demon had subsided and Kristi was asleep. However, it's times where I realize that this demon can inhabit Kristi that make me lethargic about my weight. Why should i care if that's what I have to come home to? I was considering cancelling my membership, but this morning she called and apologized for being rude and insensitive. I thought, "dammit, I guess I still have to get in shape." Because I have a strange feeling if I came home fatter I would roll over to find a Great White in bed with me. Get ready gym, HERE I COME!

Crash into me... and I'll come and kill you

Have you ever imagined driving a car that was basically worth more than your life? I know I have often. I picture myself in a 2007 TVR Sagaris, whipping around mountain passes at 140mph while feeling the wheels just sink into the road. I imagine pulling through downtown with 380hp and watching all the beautiful ladies swoon. (This, actually, is more a dream than reality.) I really just want to turn it out, balls to the wall, on a straight-away and go from 0-60 in less than four seconds on my way to reaching a top speed so blistering that my fucking face melts off. I often think of that. And then I think, "Let's crash it."

Orgasm inducing TVR...... vroom...

Not really, but it sure is fun to watch on TV, so apparently that's what happened this past week when Eddie Griffin, that oh-so-funny guy from "Date Movie" and "Deuce Bigelow" (please sense my sarcasm) jumped into a 1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo and proceeded to drive it into the wall of a race track. Wow.

No, this is not a scene from "Transformers."

Now I usually excuse celebrity automotive incidents, because they likely involve alcohol and usually (I stress usually) the celebrity in question owns the car. Fortunately for Eddie he couldn't ever afford a car like this so he had to "borrow" Executive Producer Daniel Sadek's wheels to get his crash on. Wow.

So this extremely rare Ferrari gets totalled, and Eddie walks away from the incident without a scratch on him. Apparently Mr. Sadek, after finding out the star of his new film "Redline" was ok, shut himself inside of a trailer, screamed at the heavens, and then contemplated suicide. Actually, he didn't, that's just what I would have done. Either that or grab a rifle and look for any member of Eddie Griffin's family. Or his dog. Actually, he said he took a moment alone and told himself "there's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world." That's right, some other guy just had a moron comedian wreck his car on a closed track in Africa I'm sure. When asked about the incident Griffin just replied "Undercover Brother don't know how to drive!" Wow.

This is funnier than any movie I've done... ever.

In all seriousness I do think that it would take some big kahones to just bit your lip while some shit wrecks your custom car, but this story made me think of how rediculous our obsession with vehicles is. I drive a 2003 Tacoma; not the nicest car in the world but servicable. But even when we have new cars we're still looking for something hotter, bigger, more edgy and cool. I dream about owning a TVR, but that's only a dream. I'll never have one, and I'm starting to have the feeling that if I did I'd feel bad about it. Sadek is right, there ARE a million things going on in the world that are bad, but you're not going to see him sell his esteemed rare car collection to do anything about it. And I think if I had a car that expensive, I'd be scared as hell to drive it! I once rented a Lamborghini for a day with a friend, but I was barely able to get it over 80mph because I was so chickenshit. So I say no more dreaming for me.

I want my old Accord back. Or better yet, my 1986 Volvo station wagon. miss those cars more than I dream about new ones. They never broke down and they got me where I wanted to go. I never had a complaint. If a bird shit on my TVR I would go Yosemite Sam on it, and that's why I don't ever need a nice car. After all, I've got enough problems already, just like the rest of the world.

My sister's name is Georgia

Sprinting: Hazardous to your health

I hope everyone had a fantastic St. Paddy's day. I know I did. In all seriousness it was my most sober to date (since college at least) and not exceptionally interesting. I ended up doing what I expected; drinking a lot of Harp and talking with friends. But I did haev one awesome screw up, which occured around 10:30pm during the walk back to our car so we could go to the next bar. My friend Timmy, god damn him, decided to challenge me to a race in the street. He was far more intoxicated than I was, but you wouldn't know it due to my terrible footwork. Mygirlfriend refused to take part in egging us on, so after we lined up and demanded a "ready, set..." she walked the other way. That, in turn, led to Timmy immediately screaming "GO!" and taking off at lightning speed. Now I used to be damn quick, but my weight and dress shoes apparently did not make for a winning combination, and after a few lunges trying to keep up I got tripped up and ate it, headfirst, into the pavement. I still have wounds of my hands from where they dug into the ground. That was humiliating, yet probably the best St. Paddy's day story I have to tell as of yet. But anyway, to the aforementioned topic of conversation....









If anybody loves Georgia, I do. My father went to Georgia and worked there. My mother went to grad school there and worked there. My mother's ex-husband who was aroung for the majority of my adolescence went to school there. I was raised with a bulldawg in my crib, and the first phrase anyone remembers me saying is "Too hell wid jojo teck." The title of this blog is true. I seriously have it in my blood, which is why I am pissed off at all of my friends down here who think that I'm a sellout.





Recently I got into a heated debate, almost a fight, with a friend who made fun of my alliance to my team. I was showing my excitement for G-day weeknd, and flaunting my cheap plane tickets when he interupted with, "Dude, you didn't even go there. Why would you care?" It's a funny question that I've been asked many times, and it's a bit hard to explain. He's right, in a sense. I went to Florida State, a school that has fans equally as ravenous and intense as Georgia does, and I should be a Seminole by all means. But what most people don't give me credit for is that I tried. I REALLY TRIED. My freshman year I went to every home game, threw parties, and joined in the festivities. I cheered my guts out. Now it might have been that my tenure was the entirety of the Chris Rix era, and it might have been Bowden's growing senility, but at the end of that season I had a bad taste in my mouth. A bad taste that could only be cured by Georgia.





I don't hate Florida State Football, in fact I cheer for them always, unless of course it is this scenario:

Where have all the merry-Musas gone?

I think when it comes down to it, when you are engrained with a certain standard in your head you can't outgrow it. It is always a part of you. I'm fortunate that my upbringing brought me to the bulldawgs, while my girlfriend's brought her to the Vols. I think I came out better, and I look terrible in orange (but then again, so does everyone.) I just say lay off the criticizm for loving the team you love. I have much more pathetic reasons for liking teams like the Sacramento Kings, but no one gives me a hard time about THAT. I'm just a product of my environment, and after seeing many other schools and teams I am thankful for the one that I have.

On a closing note, my girlfriend once told me she would never cheer for Georgia. This is usually the point where you either jet or sign a prenuptual immediately, but I came back with a "you wanna bet?" We had plans to go to the Cocktail Party, and she knew it, and even though I spent WAY too much money on the tickets she was convinced she wouldn't enjoy it. Halfway into the third, when Matty threw his TD pass I heard, among the roar, my girlfriend say "YEA- ......." That said it all for me. I threw her a knowing glance, and eyes narrowed. I'm thinking she's never betting multiple sexual favors ever again.

Hump Day Hangover Cure

Alright, I found a couple of things this week that are just too damned funny to describe. First of all, I miss Georgia terribly. The school AND the actual state. I have always had good times there, and it's fucking heaven compared to the shit hole I live in now. But this is one of the following reasons that I love it so much; the craziest shit happens there.

Two days ago, in Acworth (which is a high class suburb of Atlanta) two EXTREMELY young women robbed a bank by the sheer power of a sticky note. Yes, a sticky note. The walked in without any weapon and handed the teller a note demanding cash. Here is a photograph of these terrifying women:

Has somebody questioned Mary-Kate and Ashley?

Now maybe I'm being a little unfair here, but shouldn't these girls be in school? The official report says that they are looking for these girls, who escaped with what was expressed as a considerable sum, with the description that they could be as young as fifteen. FIFTEEN!!1!!1! The kids these days...... But seriously, Don't you think the teller could have just laughed and told them to fuck off? I'm sure it was a traumatizing experience and all, but usually when I see two young women come into my place of business wearing sunglasses and making demands by post-it I thank God. Which leads me to the obvious conclusion; the bank teller was a man and is complicit in their scheme because he wants to get laid. Because I know that if this happened, in sunny south Florida at least, some ninety year old Jewish lady would jump over the counter and beat the assailents to death with a handbag and a bad New York accent. This makes me want to take up a career in bank heists. One web site, that is much funnier, showed this story's headline as "Kappa Kappa Give Me Your Money: Two Hotties Strike Acworth Bank."

Now the funniest parts of this (besides the fact that the two girls apparently laughed throughout the heist) is that 1) The police haven't made a positive ID yet, despite how many people have seen these pictures, and 2) When the police arrived on scene to investigate, they actually ended up arresting SOMEONE ELSE. Apparently one of the tellers had an outstanding warrent against them, which was revealed when the banker was being questioned. Cheerleaders 1 : Bank 0. That's so fucking funny there is no way I could have made it up.

In the words of Michael Stipe, "everybody hurts sometimes."

So once again my beloved bulldogs lost to an SEC rival, being effectively handled by the Wildcats. While Georgia did make an impressive run at the end of the game it was never really THAT close, and so now it looks like the Bulldogs will once again be NIT bound with a chip on their shoulders. I'm not sure how long it will take for Dennis Felton to resuscitate the program, but it looks like we're still trudging along at the bottom of the SEC East, and with the formidable young talent on the other teams it looks as though we are going to be there a bit longer.

Also, I'm just not impressed with Mike Mercer. I certainly wish he wasn't lost for the season, but a lot of people are making him into the saviour of the team, while personally I feel he has taken the most poor shots in the SEC. He forces the ball, gives up turnovers, has a terrible shooting percentage, and pretty much thinks he's Allen Iverson. Unfortunately, he's not, so Mr. Felton is going to have to get his other young talents to step up next year.

Another mimosa, please.

In other news, the Georgia sports program continued it's dynasty of self-deprication with the arrest of future star linebacker Akeem Hebron. Now he's a young kid and I think I would attribute this particular incident as foolish and immature, but he's going to need to grow out of it quickly if he's going to find a place on the field. He's an insane talent, and if he's nearly as good as the people say then it's really going to hurt not having him on the field for Oklahoma State come next season.

Top Five - Favorite "Jam" bands (or all musical)

1. String Cheese Incident

2. Liquid Tension Experiment

3. Phish

4. Explosions in the Sky

5. OAR

I'd like to thank the Academy....

As a former film student, the annual academy awards can be an important thing. My fondest memories are of the suarees that we would throw at FSU in honor of the event, where the undergraduate film school director would hold an open tab at a local bar for all the students who "might" have been of legal drinking age. Not surprisingly, people were losing their lunches by the time Best Picture was announced (and the 14 pints of Guinness on top of that) while others were either passed out or drunkenly flailing their arms at the screen, appalled by the winners. While I haven't had the good fortune of re-living that experience for a few years, I still treat the event like Easter and park my rear in a seat for four - plus hours to see what "I could have done if I had the constitution." (That would be my parents speaking.)

So, of course I ended up still being in Tampa with three hours to get home to watch. I can say that I successfully avoided the troop of police officers on highway 60 while going 80 mph in a 55 mph zone. I made it in just in time for the pre-show, which is of course more important than anything. So here are my top 5 best and worst things about the oscars this year:

Top 5 best things about the Oscars this year:

1. Ellen Degeneres and the Clint Eastwood/Steven Spielberg stunt

It would work as a beer coozie.

For those who DIDN'T watch, Elllen did a damn fine job of hosting. There has been some general dissent with her "flat" opening (which I thought was fantastic and appropriate) and her sense of humor, but I believe she nailed it. The partially improvised conversations with celebs were hysterical, but nothing is funnier than handing a digital camera back to Spielberg asking him to correct the framing. Fucking brilliant.



2. Marty winning the big one.




Yes, I am a huge Scorsese fan. "Taxi Driver" is one of the most amazing films ever made, in my opinion, and while I felt "The Aviator" was alright at best and "Gangs of New York" was just a device to let Daniel Day-Lewis chew scenery I do believe that this award was well deserved. Let's just hope Marty can keep the good ones coming.


3. The Poulabalos Dance Crew

For those who have not ever been to a show, trust me and go. They are incredibly imaginative and it's hard not to respect people who can suck their own dicks (or vaginas, for that matter.) The Snakes on a Plane gag was hysterical and the insignias were done to perfection.

4. Alan Arkin

You're a TIGER!!!

It's about time. I have always loved Alan Arkin, even in disastrous films. (Did anyone see "Catch 22"?) He's drawn criticism because people say he's always played that same character, but you can say the same about Christopher Walken, and I'm not going to be dissing him anytime soon. His foul mouthed agent in "Glengarry Glen Ross" was amazing, and he was the funniest thing about "Grosse Pointe Blank", which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Good job Alan, you deserved it.

5. The Departed

This closes out the list because it is my biggest surprise. I had put my bet on either "The Queen" or "Little Miss Sunshine", both fine films and ones I will add to my library. However, history has shown us that the academy sometimes over-thinks the gravity of the best picture award, and in turn will give it to a film that isn't the "crowd favorite." We saw it when "Shakespeare in Love" won over "Saving Private Ryan" and "The Insider". Other films, like "The English Patient" went up against heavy competition and won solely by splitting the others' votes. What we needed to win this year (after last year's despicable atrocity; "Brokeback" losing to "Crash") was a crowd favorite, and a movie everyone loved. They got it right this time, because when we look back we will think of "Departed" with fond memories, and not the disdain and embarrassment of something like "Chicago."


Top 5 worst things about this years Oscars:


1. "Pan's Labyrinth"

"Pan's" should also go under the top five best things, because if you had told me that it would beat out "Children of Men" for cinematography I would have promptly rushed you to a psych clinic. That award, along with Art Design and Makeup, was well deserved. However, it DOES NOT excuse the snubbing in best foreign film. It made me feel terrible for the brilliant Guillermo Del Toro, who cried with joy when his whole crew was winning awards while they gushed about his vision and imagination. German winner "The Lives of Others" was a great film, but not on the level of "Pan's". Sorry academy, try again.

2. Eddie Murphy

Shit, didn't win, gotta jet....

I don't put him on here because I think he got snubbed. The very opposite in fact. I think a man who makes such GARBAGE for a whole career should be thankful even FOR A NOMINATION. But apparently that wasn't good enough for him, and when Arkin's name was announced he exited stage left, not even listening to Arkin's acceptence speech. Shame on you. You used to be funny, and now you're just a disgrace to comedians. To add insult to injury I hope he gets nominated again, and then loses to Bill Murray or Jim Carrey, both of whom are magnificently more talented than Murphy.


3. Michael Mann's montage


I understand the need for a million montages come Oscar time, but this one proved one too many. While the yearly eulogy and Oscar rememberance was fine (fuck, even the new Apple phone commercial was clever) Mann's montage totally broke the momentum of the show. Cut together with the precision of a power loader from Aliens, and completely lacking in structure, form , or coherency, I truly believed I was back in my first year of film school watching another studen't cut of a "Law and Order" episode. Mann is a fine director, but I guess since he wasn't nominated this year he had to do something to spite the Academy.


4. The ABC Sound department


I counted EIGHT times where ABC had a sound malfunction. Now I know sometimes these things happen, and I'm not saying anyone should be fired, but it makes the industry look pretty stupid when you are having microphone and bandwidth issues while they are presenting the award for Best Sound Effects Editing.

5. Albert Hollis II wasn't nominated

Bringin' sexy back

This is the biggest issue I had. How could you not take the world's most beautiful bulldawg, with his DKNY shoots and insurance accounts, and nominate him just for being AWESOME. Sorry Albert, it wasn't your year. Maybe if they make "Damn Good Dawg: A Football Tale" you can get nominated as writer and star.


Odds and Ends

The commercials during the awards this year were actually better than the superbowl, or at least I thought so. Apple made a big push for their new phone/ipod/blackberry/organizer/video game console/deharmonic convergence controller, the aptly titled "Hello." I am not really technology savvy, and my phone is huge and from 2001, but I want one of those suckers. I. Can't. Wait.


The movie "300" has a 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes right now, which is causing me to have joygasms. If I have ever been more pumped up about a movie I don't remember it very well. Let's hope the movie lives up to it's bombastic style and violent subject matter. I want to see at leat 50 heads fly or I'm asking for the price of admission back.

Also, this past weekend I traveled to Tampa to see the musical "Wicked" (my girlfriends Christmas present) and I must say that my socks were completely rocked off. It was the best time I've had at a musical since I saw the original broadway cast of Rent. Unfortunately, Idina Menzel did not make a guest appearance so I could attempt to woo her. It's probably for the best, I would have made a pass and then Taye Diggs would have come running out of the shadows to fuck me up. I definitely would never get my groove back ever again.

Be my Valentine? (hehe.... sucker!)

Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and once again I’ve escaped it without the self destructive second guessing that pounds my brain this time of year. For those of you who don’t know me, as I’m sure nobody does because this is my first REAL blog topic I’ve ever written, please let me break down the my own history of Valentine’s day with you.

I’m not a Casanova, and I will never claim to know one bit of shit more about women than anyone else I’ve come into contact with. But, for some unforeseen reason, I have had a pretty decent track record of attracting lovely women (who must be self-destructive themselves since they so readily choose to be with a guy like me,) dating them for a while, gaining their trust and their love, and then completely and utterly demolishing their hearts like I was Godzilla and they were Tokyo. Why? I have absolutely no clue.

This is me... hello baby.

Now my friends have led me to believe that this is simply a defense mechanism so I don’t get too close to women. Ordinarily I would agree, but in order to get the full effect of my asshole-edness you have to take into account the duration of time I was nuzzling up to these women; 1.5 years, 1 year, 9 months, 2 years, and 11 months. A couple of years ago I had a brief period of meditation and came to the obvious conclusion: I am the thing that drives most men to shrivel in fear, a serial dater. Now usually this handicap is applied to women who are always looking for the next hot thing, but the application of it to my personality is something far more dangerous. You see, I am a constant optimist. I have gone headfirst into every one of my doomed relationships thinking that this girl could, in fact, be the one. I often feel like Ted on “How I Met Your Mother”, immediately crowning a girl the queen of my soul and all other living things the second I find out she can quote any line from Ghostbusters. This, of course, ends slowly in disaster when I slowly start to see the REAL person I am with. But, like most guys, even then I bottle it up and hope for the best, like I get a cookie for toughing it out. Inevitably it ends up on my long list of disappointments after I find another girl with that “thing” I like and “fall in love,” or whatever that bullshit is. Not that I don’t believe in love, but sometimes being desperate to get out of a sticky situation and looking for an excuse feels a lot like love.

On the bright side, my love life isn't this bad.

So then I end up back in the beginning and ready to do it all over again. Past examples of my wretchedness:
I broke up with a girl the day before Valentine’s Day because I had heard this beautiful, amazing girl wanted to go out with me. (This was in high school, but that is still no real excuse.) Not only was I dishonest with her, I told her it was because I was about to go to college and I wanted to be free. I then proceeded to date the other girl for the entirety of my freshman year at FSU. (Looking back, that was likely the biggest mistake of my life.)
The girl I started dating was great, a scholar, and generally interesting, however after I bit my lip and suffered through an ENTIRE year at FSU monogamously, I waited until I was back home for summer for two weeks before declaring that I wasn’t in love with her anymore. (Reason; my ex from England was about to visit for a month and despite the fact that she had a serious boyfriend back home I wanted to sleep with her. I did. Now she’s married to that guy and the girl I left is, get this, engaged to an English guy. As if Alanis didn’t define ironic.)
Also, one year on Valentine’s Day I had just started dating this amazingly cool chick. (Another one I wish I could do over.) I had planned on helping my best friend set up a dinner for his girlfriend, I was the (shirtless) butler, and I was then going to take my lady out for some sushi. So she picks me up and we begin driving to the restaurant, I could practically taste the edamame on my tongue and my freshman roomy calls me up and tells me that his girlfriend just broke up with him on Valentines Day. Putting bros before hoes, I told my date that she was dropping me off at his place so I could console him. She was fantastic and said “yes”. What she didn’t know is that we drove to my house, bought two kegs, invited a shit ton of girls over, and that I then proceeded to sleep with a random girl (with whom one of my other friends had hooked up with just weeks before.) I never told her, but then again I didn’t have to. I used the excuse of breaking my neck three weeks later as an excuse to avoid breaking up with her for the right reasons.

So I’m an asshole, right? I’ve never been able to settle down, even after two years, and I always think something better is around the corner. Well, at least I did. So fast forward a few years and I’m working in south Florida and living with my girlfriend of a year and a half, although we’ve been friends since we were fifteen. I thought I had moved beyond all of that immaturity and haphazardness, but recent weeks have led me to believe that I haven’t. Yesterday was Valentines, and while we both promised ourselves that we would take it easy (no gifts, nothing fancy, just cards) I still found myself feeling awkward when we went to eat. It’s a terrible feeling when you look across the table and you see someone you know you love, but you wish you were somewhere else. After a dysfunctional sex episode (which happens frequently, I won’t explain) I found myself laying in bed and pondering, say, that new girl at work or the Asian waitress at the restaurant.
But who am I fooling? The greatest heartbreaks of my life were the ones where hindsight showed me that there was a lot more there than I would leave myself to believe. Maybe that’s why I am even more and more tentative about acting impulsively now. But the fact is, for right now I’m with her. And I’d guess I’d rather be with her, Valentine’s Day or not, than wishing she was still with me. Love the one you’re with, that’s how the song goes right?

When mooninites rule the world!

First, Boston! TOMORROW THE WORLD!!!