I'd like to thank the Academy....

As a former film student, the annual academy awards can be an important thing. My fondest memories are of the suarees that we would throw at FSU in honor of the event, where the undergraduate film school director would hold an open tab at a local bar for all the students who "might" have been of legal drinking age. Not surprisingly, people were losing their lunches by the time Best Picture was announced (and the 14 pints of Guinness on top of that) while others were either passed out or drunkenly flailing their arms at the screen, appalled by the winners. While I haven't had the good fortune of re-living that experience for a few years, I still treat the event like Easter and park my rear in a seat for four - plus hours to see what "I could have done if I had the constitution." (That would be my parents speaking.)

So, of course I ended up still being in Tampa with three hours to get home to watch. I can say that I successfully avoided the troop of police officers on highway 60 while going 80 mph in a 55 mph zone. I made it in just in time for the pre-show, which is of course more important than anything. So here are my top 5 best and worst things about the oscars this year:

Top 5 best things about the Oscars this year:

1. Ellen Degeneres and the Clint Eastwood/Steven Spielberg stunt

It would work as a beer coozie.

For those who DIDN'T watch, Elllen did a damn fine job of hosting. There has been some general dissent with her "flat" opening (which I thought was fantastic and appropriate) and her sense of humor, but I believe she nailed it. The partially improvised conversations with celebs were hysterical, but nothing is funnier than handing a digital camera back to Spielberg asking him to correct the framing. Fucking brilliant.



2. Marty winning the big one.




Yes, I am a huge Scorsese fan. "Taxi Driver" is one of the most amazing films ever made, in my opinion, and while I felt "The Aviator" was alright at best and "Gangs of New York" was just a device to let Daniel Day-Lewis chew scenery I do believe that this award was well deserved. Let's just hope Marty can keep the good ones coming.


3. The Poulabalos Dance Crew

For those who have not ever been to a show, trust me and go. They are incredibly imaginative and it's hard not to respect people who can suck their own dicks (or vaginas, for that matter.) The Snakes on a Plane gag was hysterical and the insignias were done to perfection.

4. Alan Arkin

You're a TIGER!!!

It's about time. I have always loved Alan Arkin, even in disastrous films. (Did anyone see "Catch 22"?) He's drawn criticism because people say he's always played that same character, but you can say the same about Christopher Walken, and I'm not going to be dissing him anytime soon. His foul mouthed agent in "Glengarry Glen Ross" was amazing, and he was the funniest thing about "Grosse Pointe Blank", which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Good job Alan, you deserved it.

5. The Departed

This closes out the list because it is my biggest surprise. I had put my bet on either "The Queen" or "Little Miss Sunshine", both fine films and ones I will add to my library. However, history has shown us that the academy sometimes over-thinks the gravity of the best picture award, and in turn will give it to a film that isn't the "crowd favorite." We saw it when "Shakespeare in Love" won over "Saving Private Ryan" and "The Insider". Other films, like "The English Patient" went up against heavy competition and won solely by splitting the others' votes. What we needed to win this year (after last year's despicable atrocity; "Brokeback" losing to "Crash") was a crowd favorite, and a movie everyone loved. They got it right this time, because when we look back we will think of "Departed" with fond memories, and not the disdain and embarrassment of something like "Chicago."


Top 5 worst things about this years Oscars:


1. "Pan's Labyrinth"

"Pan's" should also go under the top five best things, because if you had told me that it would beat out "Children of Men" for cinematography I would have promptly rushed you to a psych clinic. That award, along with Art Design and Makeup, was well deserved. However, it DOES NOT excuse the snubbing in best foreign film. It made me feel terrible for the brilliant Guillermo Del Toro, who cried with joy when his whole crew was winning awards while they gushed about his vision and imagination. German winner "The Lives of Others" was a great film, but not on the level of "Pan's". Sorry academy, try again.

2. Eddie Murphy

Shit, didn't win, gotta jet....

I don't put him on here because I think he got snubbed. The very opposite in fact. I think a man who makes such GARBAGE for a whole career should be thankful even FOR A NOMINATION. But apparently that wasn't good enough for him, and when Arkin's name was announced he exited stage left, not even listening to Arkin's acceptence speech. Shame on you. You used to be funny, and now you're just a disgrace to comedians. To add insult to injury I hope he gets nominated again, and then loses to Bill Murray or Jim Carrey, both of whom are magnificently more talented than Murphy.


3. Michael Mann's montage


I understand the need for a million montages come Oscar time, but this one proved one too many. While the yearly eulogy and Oscar rememberance was fine (fuck, even the new Apple phone commercial was clever) Mann's montage totally broke the momentum of the show. Cut together with the precision of a power loader from Aliens, and completely lacking in structure, form , or coherency, I truly believed I was back in my first year of film school watching another studen't cut of a "Law and Order" episode. Mann is a fine director, but I guess since he wasn't nominated this year he had to do something to spite the Academy.


4. The ABC Sound department


I counted EIGHT times where ABC had a sound malfunction. Now I know sometimes these things happen, and I'm not saying anyone should be fired, but it makes the industry look pretty stupid when you are having microphone and bandwidth issues while they are presenting the award for Best Sound Effects Editing.

5. Albert Hollis II wasn't nominated

Bringin' sexy back

This is the biggest issue I had. How could you not take the world's most beautiful bulldawg, with his DKNY shoots and insurance accounts, and nominate him just for being AWESOME. Sorry Albert, it wasn't your year. Maybe if they make "Damn Good Dawg: A Football Tale" you can get nominated as writer and star.


Odds and Ends

The commercials during the awards this year were actually better than the superbowl, or at least I thought so. Apple made a big push for their new phone/ipod/blackberry/organizer/video game console/deharmonic convergence controller, the aptly titled "Hello." I am not really technology savvy, and my phone is huge and from 2001, but I want one of those suckers. I. Can't. Wait.


The movie "300" has a 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes right now, which is causing me to have joygasms. If I have ever been more pumped up about a movie I don't remember it very well. Let's hope the movie lives up to it's bombastic style and violent subject matter. I want to see at leat 50 heads fly or I'm asking for the price of admission back.

Also, this past weekend I traveled to Tampa to see the musical "Wicked" (my girlfriends Christmas present) and I must say that my socks were completely rocked off. It was the best time I've had at a musical since I saw the original broadway cast of Rent. Unfortunately, Idina Menzel did not make a guest appearance so I could attempt to woo her. It's probably for the best, I would have made a pass and then Taye Diggs would have come running out of the shadows to fuck me up. I definitely would never get my groove back ever again.